I recently had the pleasure of speaking about aspects of emotional intelligence at the 8th Annual MADLINEMAN Youth Football Camp to a crowd of energized athletes, supportive family members, and dedicated coaches.  Yes, these coaches are doing the work to equip their players with character tools they’ll use for life, both on and off the field.  They are creating opportunities to have a conversation about emotions, bullying, and the roles all can play in cultivating great leaders.  This comes in the wake of yet another mass shooting but this time, in the Houston area within a neighboring school district at Santa Fe High School. This hit close to home, this is home.

Feelings and football?  An odd combination some may think but these proactive coaches and their great questions are in a league of their own in my professional opinion.  The expression of emotion is universal. Meaning regardless of the culture, native language, or country, faces expressing happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust look the same across the globe.   But why is there such a stigma when it comes to expressing certain emotions if all of humanity has them?  The messages we received, things we’ve learned over time with reinforcement, and our beliefs greatly impact how we express feelings or the lack thereof.

Emotional intelligence helps us not only understand ourselves and others; but also adapt to various changes we may encounter and manage stress effectively.  Wellness is not just physical fitness and nutrition, it also encompasses emotional health.  Let’s walk through the components of emotional intelligence using Reuven Bar-On’s model (2006).

1. Intrapersonal:  Can you accurately label what you’re feeling at any given time? Do you generally like yourself despite your flaws? Can you make decisions independently without the constant reassurance of others?  Are you satisfied with what you’ve accomplished in school, work, and your personal life?
2. Interpersonal:  Do you have support networks?  Can you empathize with others, make an effort to understand their point of view?  Do you work in a community to achieve shared goals?  Do you have healthy, mutually beneficial friendships, relationships, professional networks, family connections, romantic partnerships, etc.?
3. Adaptability:  How well do you cope with change? Are your reactions to changes appropriate to the situation? Can you adapt and adjust your emotions, viewpoint, and actions as situations change?  Do you give up when faced with adversity? Can you approach challenges one step at a time or are you completely overwhelmed with no clue where to begin?
4. Stress Management:  Can you identify when you’re stressed and what caused it?  Do you take frustrations out on those around you? Do you think about potential consequence before you act?  Can you delay gratification to achieve the goals you want or do you settle?

I commend these coaches for creating an opportunity to discuss feelings in an environment where male athletes are often shamed for doing otherwise.  Where they are  sometimes told to “suck it up,” “grow a pair,” or “man up.”   Where boys don’t cry and those who do are mocked by others.  Where expression of feelings are received with dismissive statements like, “stop complaining,”  “get over it,” or “don’t let it get to you.”  These messages stunt emotional development on the field and in our homes.   Children are learning what is acceptable and what isn’t by the adults in their lives.  What are you teaching them? Are their feelings wrong to have, a sign of weakness? Do you disapprove by criticising and judging?  Is there punishment for expressing certain feelings because adults aren’t comfortable with them?

It’s not just about kids releasing the emotion, but according to John Gottman, it’s an opportunity for adults to create trust and closeness with them by:

• listening to children, respecting their emotion
• empathize (see #2 above)
• help children label their feelings (see #1 above)
• offer guidance on regulating their emotion (see #4 above)
• set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions
• teach problem-solving skills (see #3 above)

According to Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Gottman,1997), these are some of the effects of the above mentioned “emotion coach” style has on children:  “They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.  They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others.”

These children don’t shoot up schools, commit suicide, cut themselves, have eating disorders, constantly fight, etc.  And they certainly do not grow into adults who verbally, physically, or mentally abuse others, are constantly depressed, perfectionist, or use food, alcohol, other substances, and behaviors to mask what they feel and to cope with the world.

If you’re interested in increasing your emotional intelligence, learning more, or raising emotionally intelligent children,  let’s connect.

Take care,

Dr. Gilmore